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NVC Conflict Scenario
When Making Decisions Together Is Exhausting
Every major decision turns into a negotiation that goes in circles — where to go on holiday, how to spend money, whether to move. One person always seems to concede, or one always seems to bulldoze.
What Person A might feel
- unheard in the process
- like my preferences don't count
- frustrated
- resigned
What Person A needs
- to genuinely contribute to decisions
- to feel like an equal partner
- voice
- fairness
What Person B might feel
- accused of being controlling
- confused about what my partner actually wants
- stuck
- impatient
What Person B needs
- decisiveness
- forward movement
- clarity about what my partner needs
- for decisions to actually get made
How this conversation might go in NVC
Below is how both people might express their feelings and needs — without blame, with observation, feeling, need, and request.
Person A
"When we were planning the holiday last night, I realised I'd already gone quiet and was just agreeing with whatever you suggested. That happens a lot, and afterwards I feel like I didn't really show up. I need to feel like my preferences count in our life, not just yours."
Person B
"That surprises me, because I genuinely want your input — and when I ask, I often get 'whatever you want.' I end up making the call by default and then feeling like the bad guy for it. I'm stuck too."
Person A
"I think I go quiet because by the time I work out what I actually want, you've already decided and I don't want to drag us backwards. Could we slow down? When something big comes up, both of us take a day to think before talking. No deciding in the same moment."
Person B
"Yes — let's do that. And could you write your thoughts down before we talk? I notice you express yourself more clearly in writing, and I want to actually hear what you want, not the abridged version. I want this to be ours, not just mine."
Pause for a moment — your body knows
Before you read on, take one slow breath. Notice what happens in your body as these words land.
Questions for you
You don't need to answer these right now. Just let them resonate.
- 1.When I don't get what I wanted in a decision, is it the outcome or the process that bothers me most?
- 2.Do I clearly state my preferences and needs when we make decisions, or do I hint and hope to be guessed?
- 3.Is there a decision we've been putting off that we need to make — and what's stopping us?
Frequently asked questions
- How do couples make decisions when they always disagree?
- Start by separating needs from positions. 'I want to go to Italy' is a position. 'I need to go somewhere warm and culturally interesting' is a need. Once both people's needs are on the table, many more solutions become available. NVC helps separate the need (which is non-negotiable) from the specific solution (which often has more flexibility than we think).
- Why do I always feel overruled in our decisions?
- This is worth naming directly: 'I've noticed I often go along with your decision in the end, and it leaves me feeling like my input doesn't really matter. I need to feel like we genuinely both contribute. Can we try something different when we make the next big decision together?' This identifies a pattern and asks for something specific.
- Is it healthy for one person to make more decisions in a relationship?
- Some differentiation of roles can work well — one person handles finances, the other handles social plans. The issue is when one person's preferences consistently override the other's core needs. NVC helps couples check in: are both people's needs genuinely being considered, or has a dynamic of invisible power formed?